Denver. You've been magical. Good night.

So being the cute little pranksters we are, we thought that it would be an incredibly funny practical joke to throw a giant convention and when the main speaker finally got done with his or her speech and it was time to drop the balloons at the end of said speech, the balloons would be filled with helium. The balloons wouldn't drop. Get it? Too funny.

Then we thought, with much shock and horror, that helium was highly flammable. Whoops. So not funny. The building would totally blow up. We were really hoping that people didn't find the first paragraph so extremely funny that they just rushed right out and tried it without pondering the consequences.

Then we looked it up. Helium is not flammable.

Yup.

We need a refresher course.

While we dust off that high school science book we stole, here's this week's Top 5:

1. The Helio Sequence - "Love And Distance" (Helio. Helium. Still a bit shaken.)
2. Cowboy Curtis - "Observations | Assumptions" (We were going to start a band called "Dirtbiker Ted". Didn't have the right feel. These guys would have been better anyway.)
3. Blonde Redhead - "Misery Is A Butterfly" (We were also going to start a band called "The Paste Eating Contest". Every nursery school in the country filed suit. It was ugly.)
4. The Commodores - "20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: Motown 1970s, Vol. 1" (Another quick science experiment: Pick up this record, listen to "Easy" every morning on your way to whatever it is you do, and you will feel like a million dollars every morning.)
5. The Black Keys - "Thickfreakness" (We were going to start a band called "The Black Keys". These cats took it first. They rock.)

So we may have been intoxicated enough the other night to have signed the release forms in the cab ride home to be on "Taxi Cab Confessions". Guess we'll find out in a few months. Tune in. We were on our way home from seeing a Pink Floyd tribute band. Crazy nights. Give it up. Pull over. media5

Little Joe. The first American Rap Star.

Did you ever watch old westerns when you were a kid? Like Gunsmoke and Big Valley and stuff? They were great. Gunsmoke especially. Not sure where we're going with this. Just wondering if you watched them. That's all. Maybe we just long for the days when you could shoot a man in the street for either murdering your Pa or stealing your cattle. We had some cattle stolen once. It was the summer of 1854. The nation was fresh and new. Long before the days of People's Court. Thank god Judge Wapner came along in the 80's when he did. This country may have fallen into civil war yet again. History is a gum ball.

Today's musical moment comes to us from Laura Cantrell and her record "When the Roses Bloom Again". It's very pretty. Much prettier than Ned Beatty's mouth. Well, we guess that all depends but we certainly think it's prettier than Ned Beatty's mouth. 1972 was a good year for Ned Beatty's mouth.

Ok kids. Tomorrow will bring a new top 5 and the next day will most likely bring a hangover. Hell, tomorrow will probably bring a hangover as well. The Hangover Stork has been visiting us a bunch lately. He's shifty. And he owes us $5. media5

Substitute Poster has been called in...

New record. Well, older record but new to us. Like a used car. Or a newspaper. Or a puppy. Iron & Wine's latest, "Our Endless Numbered Days" is a wonderful disc. Highly recommended. Like puppies. Today is short because our iPod got munched and we have to fix it before we go insane. Hugs and kisses and puppies. media5

Please put the cap back on that. You're driving.

We had a dream last night that we were on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, and we were being surrounded by pirates. These were no ordinary pirates however. These pirates were all dressed up like Richard Marx and they lulled us to sleep with adult contemporary soft rock. When we awoke this morning, we had mullets and no career direction. One of us even found a peg leg but later realized it was just a chair leg that had broken off of the chair last night while we were all playing the Jerry Springer game. If you've never played this game, please don't start now. The cops usually show up and the males wind-up shirtless and drunk. Co-dependant fun.

Russel Simins. Not the hip-hopper mogul but the drummer with Jon Spencer Blues Explosion has an album entitled "Public Places". Check it out. It's a fine slice of rock. And we like our rock thinly sliced. Like ham. And cheese. You can make more sandwiches that way. At the end of the day, whoever has the most sandwiches wins. We're not sure what they win. Maybe condiments. Sandwiches tend to be dry without them. Hold the pickle. media5

Are you a US citizen?

Welcome to the mile high club. We’re writing this from an airplane. Yippie. Airplanes. Our sincerest apologies for not bothering to post anything on Friday. We were on a frigging airplane then as well and our computer was dead. Yup. Jet-setting across the country and Mexico to bring you the latest and greatest bands from the Southwest. Well, that was our intent anyway. We actually didn’t see any bands or hear anything new that rocked our world. Probably because we were inside all day, every day trying not to burn alive. Listen, we have an announcement to make to the people of that area: Your hood is beautiful but we sunburned our frigging lips while eating ice cream. And we were inside while we were eating it. Ok, that wasn’t much of an announcement. It was more a declaration. Kids, it was hotter than a fryer-vat full of porn stars down there. And a quick word of advice to fellow travelers: Even though it might seem like a good idea to hook-up some cheap dental work in Mexico, don’t bother. We have a hair-lip and gum disease now. We did, however, score plenty of prescription drugs to ease the pain. Actually, it all evened out. These things tend to work themselves out. And someday, our S’s will cease to whistle when we speak. All in due time.

In lieu of rambling on like Hunter S. Thompson after drinking a pot of coffee that was brewed with a cocaine filter, we’ll get back to business now. Here’s last week’s Top Quatro. Wait, we mean Cinco. Our Spanish sucks. Maybe that’s why we lost our pants during a friendly game of chess. And it wasn’t the embarrassment of walking around Mexico without pants that caused us grief. It’s the fact that our legs are now so badly sunburned, we’re going to have to give up our career as foot and leg models for fetish magazines. That bank was tight too.

1. The Pixies – Death to the Pixies (We suffered iPod-less through the desert listening to only Mexican radio, when suddenly, just as we were about to cross the border, "Monkey Gone to Heaven" came on the radio. No joke. It was a sign. A very, very strange sign.)
2. Mojave 3 – Excuses for Travelers (The album title kinda sums this one up.)
3. Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlantisism (Ben, we’re sorry we missed Siren Fest. It was probably really hot there too.)
4. Sparta –Porcelain (Granted, we haven’t heard the entire album yet but what we have heard busts up your head like a piñata. Pick up and/or revisit the At The Drive-In record as well.)
5. Senor Coconut - Fiesta Songs (Yeah. You can figure this one out as well.)

Ok, since we’re here, we’ve got to just mention a few more things about the Southwest. It’s hot. Did we mention it was hot? We fear we may have suffered heat-stroke and our short-term memory is gone. Or it’s the Mexican Percocet. You be the judge.

This just in… We’ve just received a note defining the saying "joining the mile high club". You do what, in where, with whom? You’ve got to be kidding. Is there a course or something you have to take first? We can barely work the sink to wash our hands. Our pants off to the brave few that have accomplished this task. You should get a purple heart for that or something. If you have conquered this aerial feat, send us a note and we’ll contact your congressman.

Did you know that Alice Cooper has his own restaurant in Phoenix? Yeah, yeah, yeah. School’s Out. Would you like mashed potatoes or fries with that? media5

Clean your plate or you'll cause an earthwake.

Last night, we killed a man. Just kidding. We're pretty sure he's still alive. Just very badly hurt. With all that reflective tape you'd think we'd have missed him. Nope. The person driving thought they we're turning into an all-night McDonalds. Nope. Meat is murder.

Today, we'd like to honorably mention Bit Shifter. Now, we're not sure about albums but maybe you can find something out there in Webland. Our man Bit is a composer but he composes using a Game Boy and some crazy Game Boy music maker thing. We're not very well informed. If you've been with us for any amount of time though, you knew that already.

Did you know that Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? What a difference Today makes indeed. Now that's news. If that's not news, we don't know what is.

Are turnips less favorable these days? Maybe they're just out of season. We like turnips. Maybe we can become the national council for Turnip advocacy. They need us. It's their turn. Maybe the Today show will do a spot on turnips and we can inform the public about their greatness. People have been eating them in Europe since prehistoric times. They're a great source for....we don't know. We just know they're good. And knowing is half the battle. media5

Dirty Harry and the Meat Brothers Present...

Ah. The smell of trash day in July. Is everyone in NY throwing away a body today? Don't you need a permit for that or something? It's bordering on painful.

Significantly less painful and smelly is the record by Mocean Worker entitled "Enter The MoWo!". We think clips are available on their site and it's definitely available on iTunes.

So, you'd better go get lubed up because tomorrow is Thursday and you know what that means....Wait. Today's hump day. Nevermind. Now the mystique is gone. Do with today what you will.

We'll be sitting by the pool, drinking something made especially for those of us 21 or older, and shooting craps. We've got a permit for the gun and everything. Watch out crap and say hello to mister revolver. media5

What is that smell? Someone please open a window.

Jumping in with both feet, starting without hesitation, getting right to it, being spot on. These are all actions that we feel like delaying today. We're not super motivated. Maybe we should read more self help books. Maybe we'll just help ourselves and then write a book about it. The book will be called "4 Things to Do When You're Bored". Those 4 things are: Counting Backwards, Naming the original cast of "Eight Is Enough", converting to Buddhism, and running for elected office. Damn. Now one of you is going to steal our book idea and make millions. It's theft but at least it's proactive.

Today's special sound comes to us from The New Amsterdams and their record "Worse For The Wear". Check, check, check it out. We're so old school. We represent the streets. The band just mentioned isn't down with the click but it's a great record nonetheless.

Now's a good a time as any to go shave our bodies. That's a great idea. We're going to make t-shirts that say things like "I'm Too Hot For Hair" and "I Don't Have Any Hair On My Body. Wanna Date?". If one of you steals that idea, we're going to throw down. Save the drama for your mama. media5

Would you like some candy?

Monday. In case you weren't aware: it's Monday. All day long. And most of the night. Until about 12. Then it's Tuesday. Til Tuesday. Speaking of, if you haven't, you should check out Aimee Mann's album "Lost in Space". It's truly worthy of all the hype it received in 2002 when it came out.

So, we're going to try something new today. We'd like to hear from you about your experience at Siren Festival this past weekend. Even if you didn't go, you should send us a story anyway. Even if your story has absolutely nothing to do with Siren Fest. There are two reasons for this new and unusual request. The first is because a few of us went and it was so damn crowed that we only caught a portion of one set and we spent the rest of the day drinking who knows what from tall plastic glasses and filling ourselves silly with hot dogs. Yum, mustard. The second is because we like your smile. We love your ways. Each and everyday. Wait. Billy Ocean? Is that you? Nope. False alarm. media5

You've been served. Enjoy. Would you like some ketchup?

Yippie day. Happy day. We'd like to begin with an apology to bran muffins. They did nothing wrong and we accosted them and made them feel unloved yesterday. Yup, we're apologizing to muffins. It's come to this. Maybe we should discontinue eating breakfast foods altogether and retain our regimen of smoking our breakfast. Shhh. Is someone at the door? Quick. Turn the lights off.

Ok, they're gone so it's time for the Top 5:

1. Sigur Ros - Ágætis Byrjun (One of the most beautiful albums ever recorded.)
2. South - With The Tides (Also, very pretty.)
3. Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans (Pretty in an indie way.)
4. The Jayhawks - Rainy Day Music (Rhinestone pretty.)
5. The Prom - Under The Same Stars (We're not good with themes. Or consistency for that matter. This is a record that was released by Barsuk a few years ago. It flew under the radar but it's worth picking up.)

If the weather holds, we're all going to Siren Fest. this weekend and you should too. It's at Coney Island. We're excited about drinking lots of beer and strapping ourselves into the Puke Master 3000 after drinking said beer. We like rides. Even the train ride there has, in the past, proven to be very exciting. Come play and drink and be merry. We want to be Steve. In order to avoid confusion however, we're going to go by our real names: Claud 1-5. Damn. Now they know who we are. Or do you? media5

Quick. Go get a paper towel.

Fact: David Bowie is an alien. And to help prove this fact, he released "Earthling". If you haven't hung with Bowie since "Fame" now is your chance to revisit him and his alien prowess. Although he's an extraterrestrial, he seems to have been going through a bit of a rough spell as of late. Between getting hit in the eye with a lolly (that's how they say lollypop across the pond) and the emergency heart surgery, this planet's atmosphere is taking it's toll on him. He's like 60 something in human years so that means he's 673 on his home planet. This has all gone on long enough.

We found an amazing picture of the queen meeting with Bob the Builder. We'll try to get it up (Ha ha. They said "get it up") as soon as possible. We wonder what they conversed about? Does the queen like to build? Does she have a tool belt (Ha ha. They said "tool belt")?

Stop it alter-ego.

We like Eggos. Kellogg's has an amazing selection of frozen breakfast foods. Many of them can be placed in a toaster. Damn toaster. They even makes ones with goop in the middle. Stupid bran muffins. Take that. You've got a long way to go to catch up w/ the greatness of the almighty Eggo. The day they stop making Eggos is the day we stop loving the world. Goop. Yummy goop. Say "goop" three times fast. Say it faster. Say it with a mouthful of Eggos. Clean up after yourself. You've made a mess. media5

The colors are too bright. Our eyes have become socketless.

Straying from the course a bit this morning with this next selection. It comes to us from a guitarist by the name of Joe Morris. It's an album that was put out by Knitting Factory Records and it's called "Joe Morris Quartet at the Old Office". If you're not familiar with the downtown New York avant-garde jazz scene, this is a nice little step in that direction. It may freak you out. If it freaks you out, it's cool. You my be a square. Don't be alarmed. There are lots of "squares" in the world. The kid that wouldn't drink with you in high school: square. Your uncle Frank: square and not very good with children. Squares are people too. They just have a low tolerance for the "out of time" and the "out of tune". They'll come around.

We are so sleepy today. Between the international spying and the bouts with a toaster that doesn't know when to stop toasting, we're exhausted. Damn toaster. They can make a computer that can talk to you but they still can't make a toaster worth a damn. That's two "damns" in one paragraph. We're racy. We push the envelope. An envelope full of money. And we pushed it over to the cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond for a toaster that still doesn't toast worth a damn. Will you please join us in starting our very own toaster revolution? "WE'RE HERE, WE'RE WHOLE GRAIN, GET USE TO IT." MEDIA5

****Breathing Underwater****

Did you hear the one about the guy and his bike? Neither did we. If you hear it, can you fill us in? Our joke catalog is about as promising as a loose tiger in a kindergarten class during nap time. Stretch. It feels nice.

Yippie. New bands. We love new bands. Well, they're really used bands because once you've heard them they've already been heard. That was the dumbest attempt at a philosophical statement we've ever been involved in. So, when the time feels right, please check out Paddy Casey. Any Damien Rice fan, we feel, will be pleasantly pleased. Pleasantly pleased? That doesn't make any sense. Nor does the world. Go figure. Hell, go fish.

We're thinking about sponsoring a racing boat. Those things go really fast. And when they crash, whoa nelly. It's just water and motors and helmets. Watch out. Ramp. media5

It can only get worse...

So if y'all haven't seen the news about Tom Waits' new record, it contains a rather startling fact: There is no piano on the entire record. Yup. It makes us about as comfortable as flying with a blind pilot but we'll just have to wait and see we guess. Horrifically bad pun. In the meantime, check out his release from a few years back entitled "Mule Variations". It contains loads of piano and a song about a Filipino hog. Yum.

We'll be introducing another contest very shortly. There won't be any prizes or giveaways but it will be a fun way to test your skills. We're not sure what skills we'll be testing exactly but it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. All that matters is....

Listen, we don't know what you like. We don't know what kind of sick things you do in your spare time. Maybe you don't even like music. Maybe you only enjoy torture or your collection of Pound Puppies.

What happened to the Pound Puppies that didn't get purchased?

They went to the farm.

They always wind up at the farm.

Along w/ our cat and our goldfish and our lizard. It's a big farm. It's off 95. Near the Connecticut border. The animals play and run around. Well, the Pound Puppies don't play or run around. We gave them the power of immortality, we didn't give them the ability to run. What do you want from us? You people are crazy. Stop staring. media5

&&&&&_______))))))))^^^^^^^$$U

Late. Once again. We were out partying last night in the name of youth voters and other various causes. It was brilliant. Thanks to all those that came out. We shook it like a salt shaker. A big salt shaker. Like the one that has pepper on the opposite end. One that you can get your entire hand around. Shook it. Consider it shaken.

Served shaken not stirred, it's time for the Top 5:
1. Hem - Rabbit Songs (Truly a beautiful record. Find it soon and your life will change.)
2. Calexico - Even My Sure Things Fall Through (Groove on.)
3. Wayne - Music On Plastic (A completely forgotten record. It happens. That doesn't mean it isn't really good.)
4. Fruit Bats - Mouthfuls (We love lo-fi music about long distant bus travel.)
5. Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman (Play "Fast Car" really loud and remember how much you love that song.)

We're sleep deprived and we smell funny but what the hell: it's Friday. It's like a friend once told us: "You only get hung-over when you stop drinking". He died of liver failure but his legacy lives on. Play on playa. media5

It's Laundry Day!!!!

My, my. Look at the time. Wait. Don't bother. Time is irrelevant. As irrelevant as pants on a porn star.

Today's sonic boom is Calexico and their album "Even My Sure Things Fall Through". Please listen and love. They'll thank you. Maybe not in the liner notes of their next record, but in their hearts, they'll thank you.

We don't often plug shows but cancel whatever it was that you were thinking about doing tonight, tell your friends to do the same, and head out to Williamsburg for what will arguably be the coolest FREE show in the name of Amendment XIX ever to take place in your favorite borough.

Democracy is Like Sex featuring Pete Rock * Kurtis Blow * Claudia Acuna * Groove Collective * Immortal Technique and more!!!!!!!

The show is at Volume (99 N. 13th bet. Berry & Wythe). To get there, take the L to the Bedford Ave. stop, walk west on N. 7th to Berry and take a right; walk up to N.13th and take a left; Volume is located one block down on the right.

The show starts at 8pm and continues jumping until 2am.

And it's free (but you can make a donation to support the cause).


Here's what Time Out NY had to say:

"Offered in part as a low-cost alternative to the Concerts for Kerry show, this benefit (for Indyvoter.org and others)also features a significantly, shall we say, hipper, brand of music. (No in-fighting for the loyal opposition, though, please - we're all in this mess together.) Plus we're told models will be at this one."

Yeah, models. Hot models. Wearing pants. media5

(((Uncle Fred's Sweet Tooth)))

So the vacation went a bit longer than expected. Sorry about that. Now that we've sewn our fingers back on and have been released on bail, we're ready to get back to what we do best...Ok, not sure what that is but we're going to do it anyway.

We've got to tell you about the new Citizen Cope record entitled "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings". It's a great follow-up record but the release date keeps getting kicked back. It should be out in the fall so keep your eyes open for it.

Yup, short and sweet. Like mini-éclairs. We're not very good for your diet but we taste delicious. Like mini-éclairs. Yum. Yum. Cream filling. media5

----Happy Birthday. You're getting old. Ha. Ha.---- Wait. That wasn't a very nice thing to say. Now you go over there and say you're sorry.

Who knew monkeys could be this much fun? And equally delicious...Check out the comments on yesterday's post.

Ok, it's far too hot to type for very much today. It's hotter than a porn shoot at a Turkish prison in the city. Whoa Nelly, that's hot.

We must quickly mention that The Frames are doing a free show at the South Street Seaport tonight @ 6pm. They are one of Ireland's finest exports so please go check them out if you get a chance.

Without further ado and with even less grace, here's this week's Top Five:

1. The Killers - Hot Fuss (Ok. We know. This band is all the rage right now and we don't want to seem like we're just jumping on the bandwagon. Nope. We're driving the damn thing. This record is superb. All aboard.)
2. Kings of Convenience - Riot On An Empty Street (We got an advance. It comes out on July 27th. It is beautiful.)
3. Rilo Kiley - The Execution Of All Things (They have a new record on the way. All indications are that it will be good. Like homemade soup.)
4. Snow Patrol - Final Straw (Love Scotland. This band helps that cause.)
5. Radiohead - OK Computer (Stop us if you've heard this one before...)

So kids, have a wonderful holiday if you're in the states. If not, have a wonderful weekend. We'll be back on Tuesday or something like that. Assuming, of course, that we don't blow our fingers off with firecrackers. Call 911 and get some ice. media5

///Space Monkey Super Star\\\

So...For the first time, we missed a day. We're really sorry. We'd tell you that it will never happen again but that would be dishonest. We don't want to be dishonest. A cherry tree would fall on our heads. Is that how the story goes? We were never very good with moral lessons.

Today's hot pick is an oldie but a goodie. It comes to us from the late, great Frank Zappa and his record entitled "Civilization Phase III". It's one of our favorite works. The premise of the record is about a bunch of people that live in a piano. It's out there but the compositions are awe-inspiring. When aliens take over the planet in a few more years, when every last human is gone, they'll find this record and they'll rejoice in a collective sigh of "What the Hell?" They'll probably also determine that there was intelligent life here after all. But we'll all be dead so their findings will be moot.

Tomorrow is the new top 5. We can't wait to share it with you. Hell, we can't wait to see what it's going to consist of. We haven't written it yet so we don't know what it will be. Anything could happen between now and tomorrow. Like that alien thing mentioned earlier. Dude, if aliens show up tomorrow we are going to make a career out of appearing on daytime talk shows explaining how we predicted it. You heard it here first. You've been warned. Live long and prosper. media5