It's hard to find good cheese.

Yes sir. After being away since August 26th, I'm back in a brand new way. Like the way one might try to tape their tongue to a ceiling fan. That doesn't make any sense and neither will anything I end up posting here. It never did in the past so why start now.

You may have already noticed a change in the way the author is being described. Yeah, media5 has been whittled down to one so from now on it's "I" and not "we". Ha ha. I said we. That's how the French say yes. Well, that and the use of force. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Relax.

As you can see the format will remain the same. There will be talk of music and my one-eyed cat. That's not a penile reference. I actually have a one-eyed cat. You like that don't you?

Ok, so I saw a show the other night. It was Tuesday night in fact. The band was called Teitur. They played at the Mercy Lounge here in Nashville (btw: I live here now. Don't try to find me. Especially if you're the Man.) and they were very interesting. Opening was this cat by the name of Troy Johnson. Both acts were fantastic. Check out their websites and buy their records.

Like an 80 year old with a bag of bran muffins, I'm going to try to keep this regular so please check back. I missed you. Actually, I didn't. I was just making that up to make you feel better. But if you're reading this to feel better about yourself, you should probably just take up drinking. media5

Spit. Spit. Curse. Two Times.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. The posts lately have been about as spotty as the forehead of a former Russian leader. Our apologies. Actually, we're the only people that read this damn thing anyway. This is a lot like talking to a sock puppet. At least the sock puppet talks back. Even if it is telling us to shave our bodies and run naked through Williamsburg. The question is: Are you really naked if you're only wearing a trucker hat and moon boots? Seriously, we're not ones to comment on fashion but moon boots in July are about as practical as music school. Get some sneakers for christ sakes. Wow. We're saucy today.

Alright, we'll throw an artist at you...CATCH! Oh my god. Oh my god. You dropped it. You'd better call your mom and explain what happened. She's going to be upset but you can reassure her that it was an accident and that everything will be ok. Whoa.

Bill Frisell's new record entitled "Unspeakable" is certainly one to pick up. The problem with jazz records is that they are too damn expensive. Is anyone listening? Is this thing on? Seriously, jazz labels, lower your damn prices. If you want to keep jazz alive for future generations, throw a $12.99 sticker on that bad boy and stop reissues that Miles Davis records that we ALL already have. Jazz was never meant to be an elitist art form. These guys were/are broke and your not helping them by pricing their records so high. Thanks. That was our public service announcement for today.

No promises but we're going to take a stab at a new top 5 tomorrow. Any suggestion from the gallery are welcome. As are moon pies. We love moon pies. Pies in, Boot out. media5

Where are we?

We ate the apple. Then this morning after a week of being asleep, we awoke to the kiss of a prince. Actually, the "prince" was a rather large man with a "Daddy's Little Princess" t-shirt on. So, what have we learned from this? Don't eat apples or make out with older men.

Today's musical staple remover is from Shudder to Think and their record "Pony Express Record". It never resolves. Seriously. They never frigging resolve. The entire album is kinda like being locked in a room with Hulk Hogan when he's high on angel dust. That happened to us once back in '86. But when all the chips had finally fallen, we came out of it with a very lucrative children's vitamin deal. We still have our souvenir yellow speedos.

We're back, bitch. media5

This zoo sucks. All the animals are asleep.

Four words: "Perfect 10 Model Boxing". What can we say? We're stunned. Completely stunned. Never in our lifetimes could we have foreseen this coming. Call us shortsighted but.... It was awesome. Flipping through the channels last night we found ourselves locked into this television debacle. Look it up. We're so not kidding.

Ok, 'tis the season for merriment and wonder and the Top 5 for this week:

1. Stereolab - Dots and Loops (Shame on you Warner. Shame on you.)
2. James Brown - Live At The Apollo (1962) (Makes us want to jump back and kiss ourselves.)
3. Reggae Hit The Town - Crucial Reggae 1968-1972 (Just pour something in a coconut and drink it and listen to this. The coconut is crucial.)
4. Jim Croce - Photographs & Memories - His Greatest Hits (If we could save time in a bottle, we'd probably sell it on Ebay.)
5. The Fiery Furnaces - Blueberry Boat (Not as practical as blueberry muffins or blueberry pancakes but, if it floats, ride it.)

Have a great weekend everyone. Or at least have one that doesn't involve electrodes, a bottle of gin and a tiger. Frigging tigers are everywhere. Everywhere. Be careful. media5

Safety first. Then beer.

From the makers of "Pedro, Where's My Muffin?" and "Tooth Attack" comes this summer's first epic motion picture. It's a story of love. Of betrayal. And one man's desire to learn what happened to him so many years ago. "Stalin Licks The Tape Dispenser" will leave you to ponder your very existence. This film will someday replace the air we breath with it's greatness. "Two nubs way up" says the guy who saw the film who, in turn, had no arms. Prepare to be mesmerized. Just don't get any on your new shoes.

Kids, we seldom dive into the classics. Well, except for yesterday. But today is a new day and well.... We're diving into the classics yet again. Today's holy grail of soul comes to us from Al Green. Listen, you can go out and buy any Al Green record but the "Greatest Hits" record that features him without a shirt on the cover is not only super-silly hot, but it contains some of the most memorable moments in music history. Mad ups to Rev. Grits Burn. Mad ups.

In one of many breakthroughs we've had in recent weeks, this week, we stopped believing in the Easter Bunny. We're working on Santa but that's going to be tough. So tell me about your mother. media5

Mr. Spanky? Your car is here.

It's lonely. So lonely. The life of a cheese salesman. If you spend your days selling and discussing cheese, how do you amuse yourself between customers? Are there cheese jokes that only "insiders" know? Even when discussed humorously, Gouda can only take you so far. The tracks for the cheese train only cover so much ground. Then you have to take a horse. And that, my friends, will chafe your inner thighs.

Arriving on the wings of greatness, today's musical something-or-other is Frank Zappa's "Freak Out!". If you've felt timid about seeking out Zappa, feel timid no more. This is the record for you. Pick it up with both hands and yell, "Yippie!!". Not too loudly though. That would be weird.

Do cheese salesmen and butchers have an unspoken rivalry? Rest your heads weary soldiers. In the eyes of Dr. Atkins, you're all embraced by his love. The love of all things low in carbs. Spark the grill. media5

What's in your wallet?

With all due respect, Your Honor....

Why do so many of our days start out with this phrase? Maybe we should take those 3 episodes of Law & Order off repeat. Does anyone in Hollywood realize that these shows are turning kids into criminal masterminds?

Y'all should check out the TV on the Radio record entitled "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes". We heard they're great live but being under house arrest is a real bummer and doesn't allow us to see many shows. Just kidding. We're not under house arrest. Those blinking things on our ankles are just ways for the government to track us. We can come and go as we please and we never get lost. Have you seen my dog?

We're off to see the wizard. He owes us $20. media5

Ding Da Ding Da Ding

We decided to spend the weekend making hoop skirts out of trash bags. Fun of that magnitude can only last so long because one of us was on the verge of suffocation. They should really put better warnings on boxes of trash bags. It's really, really hard to breath when you put one on your head so you can scare kids when they come to your door for Halloween candy. It's nowhere near Halloween. That's odd. We had kids asking us for candy all weekend long. Maybe it was the van we were driving that attracted them to us. The youth of today have really missed the boat on that whole "Don't Talk to Strangers" bit. We talked to strangers and look where it got us.

Today's disc to ponder is Beth Orton's "Daybreaker". Actually, everything she's done to date is worth checking out. It's soft. Like oil. Fire on, little engine.

Air holes. We need more air holes. This box is stuffy and moist. Like a Wet Nap. There are few finer smells in the world as when you've just dusted off a bucket of chicken and you wash your hands with a Wet Nap. The smell of the soap and the chicken grease is magical. Colonel: we have a problem. media5

Denver. You've been magical. Good night.

So being the cute little pranksters we are, we thought that it would be an incredibly funny practical joke to throw a giant convention and when the main speaker finally got done with his or her speech and it was time to drop the balloons at the end of said speech, the balloons would be filled with helium. The balloons wouldn't drop. Get it? Too funny.

Then we thought, with much shock and horror, that helium was highly flammable. Whoops. So not funny. The building would totally blow up. We were really hoping that people didn't find the first paragraph so extremely funny that they just rushed right out and tried it without pondering the consequences.

Then we looked it up. Helium is not flammable.

Yup.

We need a refresher course.

While we dust off that high school science book we stole, here's this week's Top 5:

1. The Helio Sequence - "Love And Distance" (Helio. Helium. Still a bit shaken.)
2. Cowboy Curtis - "Observations | Assumptions" (We were going to start a band called "Dirtbiker Ted". Didn't have the right feel. These guys would have been better anyway.)
3. Blonde Redhead - "Misery Is A Butterfly" (We were also going to start a band called "The Paste Eating Contest". Every nursery school in the country filed suit. It was ugly.)
4. The Commodores - "20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: Motown 1970s, Vol. 1" (Another quick science experiment: Pick up this record, listen to "Easy" every morning on your way to whatever it is you do, and you will feel like a million dollars every morning.)
5. The Black Keys - "Thickfreakness" (We were going to start a band called "The Black Keys". These cats took it first. They rock.)

So we may have been intoxicated enough the other night to have signed the release forms in the cab ride home to be on "Taxi Cab Confessions". Guess we'll find out in a few months. Tune in. We were on our way home from seeing a Pink Floyd tribute band. Crazy nights. Give it up. Pull over. media5

Little Joe. The first American Rap Star.

Did you ever watch old westerns when you were a kid? Like Gunsmoke and Big Valley and stuff? They were great. Gunsmoke especially. Not sure where we're going with this. Just wondering if you watched them. That's all. Maybe we just long for the days when you could shoot a man in the street for either murdering your Pa or stealing your cattle. We had some cattle stolen once. It was the summer of 1854. The nation was fresh and new. Long before the days of People's Court. Thank god Judge Wapner came along in the 80's when he did. This country may have fallen into civil war yet again. History is a gum ball.

Today's musical moment comes to us from Laura Cantrell and her record "When the Roses Bloom Again". It's very pretty. Much prettier than Ned Beatty's mouth. Well, we guess that all depends but we certainly think it's prettier than Ned Beatty's mouth. 1972 was a good year for Ned Beatty's mouth.

Ok kids. Tomorrow will bring a new top 5 and the next day will most likely bring a hangover. Hell, tomorrow will probably bring a hangover as well. The Hangover Stork has been visiting us a bunch lately. He's shifty. And he owes us $5. media5

Substitute Poster has been called in...

New record. Well, older record but new to us. Like a used car. Or a newspaper. Or a puppy. Iron & Wine's latest, "Our Endless Numbered Days" is a wonderful disc. Highly recommended. Like puppies. Today is short because our iPod got munched and we have to fix it before we go insane. Hugs and kisses and puppies. media5

Please put the cap back on that. You're driving.

We had a dream last night that we were on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, and we were being surrounded by pirates. These were no ordinary pirates however. These pirates were all dressed up like Richard Marx and they lulled us to sleep with adult contemporary soft rock. When we awoke this morning, we had mullets and no career direction. One of us even found a peg leg but later realized it was just a chair leg that had broken off of the chair last night while we were all playing the Jerry Springer game. If you've never played this game, please don't start now. The cops usually show up and the males wind-up shirtless and drunk. Co-dependant fun.

Russel Simins. Not the hip-hopper mogul but the drummer with Jon Spencer Blues Explosion has an album entitled "Public Places". Check it out. It's a fine slice of rock. And we like our rock thinly sliced. Like ham. And cheese. You can make more sandwiches that way. At the end of the day, whoever has the most sandwiches wins. We're not sure what they win. Maybe condiments. Sandwiches tend to be dry without them. Hold the pickle. media5

Are you a US citizen?

Welcome to the mile high club. We’re writing this from an airplane. Yippie. Airplanes. Our sincerest apologies for not bothering to post anything on Friday. We were on a frigging airplane then as well and our computer was dead. Yup. Jet-setting across the country and Mexico to bring you the latest and greatest bands from the Southwest. Well, that was our intent anyway. We actually didn’t see any bands or hear anything new that rocked our world. Probably because we were inside all day, every day trying not to burn alive. Listen, we have an announcement to make to the people of that area: Your hood is beautiful but we sunburned our frigging lips while eating ice cream. And we were inside while we were eating it. Ok, that wasn’t much of an announcement. It was more a declaration. Kids, it was hotter than a fryer-vat full of porn stars down there. And a quick word of advice to fellow travelers: Even though it might seem like a good idea to hook-up some cheap dental work in Mexico, don’t bother. We have a hair-lip and gum disease now. We did, however, score plenty of prescription drugs to ease the pain. Actually, it all evened out. These things tend to work themselves out. And someday, our S’s will cease to whistle when we speak. All in due time.

In lieu of rambling on like Hunter S. Thompson after drinking a pot of coffee that was brewed with a cocaine filter, we’ll get back to business now. Here’s last week’s Top Quatro. Wait, we mean Cinco. Our Spanish sucks. Maybe that’s why we lost our pants during a friendly game of chess. And it wasn’t the embarrassment of walking around Mexico without pants that caused us grief. It’s the fact that our legs are now so badly sunburned, we’re going to have to give up our career as foot and leg models for fetish magazines. That bank was tight too.

1. The Pixies – Death to the Pixies (We suffered iPod-less through the desert listening to only Mexican radio, when suddenly, just as we were about to cross the border, "Monkey Gone to Heaven" came on the radio. No joke. It was a sign. A very, very strange sign.)
2. Mojave 3 – Excuses for Travelers (The album title kinda sums this one up.)
3. Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlantisism (Ben, we’re sorry we missed Siren Fest. It was probably really hot there too.)
4. Sparta –Porcelain (Granted, we haven’t heard the entire album yet but what we have heard busts up your head like a piñata. Pick up and/or revisit the At The Drive-In record as well.)
5. Senor Coconut - Fiesta Songs (Yeah. You can figure this one out as well.)

Ok, since we’re here, we’ve got to just mention a few more things about the Southwest. It’s hot. Did we mention it was hot? We fear we may have suffered heat-stroke and our short-term memory is gone. Or it’s the Mexican Percocet. You be the judge.

This just in… We’ve just received a note defining the saying "joining the mile high club". You do what, in where, with whom? You’ve got to be kidding. Is there a course or something you have to take first? We can barely work the sink to wash our hands. Our pants off to the brave few that have accomplished this task. You should get a purple heart for that or something. If you have conquered this aerial feat, send us a note and we’ll contact your congressman.

Did you know that Alice Cooper has his own restaurant in Phoenix? Yeah, yeah, yeah. School’s Out. Would you like mashed potatoes or fries with that? media5

Clean your plate or you'll cause an earthwake.

Last night, we killed a man. Just kidding. We're pretty sure he's still alive. Just very badly hurt. With all that reflective tape you'd think we'd have missed him. Nope. The person driving thought they we're turning into an all-night McDonalds. Nope. Meat is murder.

Today, we'd like to honorably mention Bit Shifter. Now, we're not sure about albums but maybe you can find something out there in Webland. Our man Bit is a composer but he composes using a Game Boy and some crazy Game Boy music maker thing. We're not very well informed. If you've been with us for any amount of time though, you knew that already.

Did you know that Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? What a difference Today makes indeed. Now that's news. If that's not news, we don't know what is.

Are turnips less favorable these days? Maybe they're just out of season. We like turnips. Maybe we can become the national council for Turnip advocacy. They need us. It's their turn. Maybe the Today show will do a spot on turnips and we can inform the public about their greatness. People have been eating them in Europe since prehistoric times. They're a great source for....we don't know. We just know they're good. And knowing is half the battle. media5

Dirty Harry and the Meat Brothers Present...

Ah. The smell of trash day in July. Is everyone in NY throwing away a body today? Don't you need a permit for that or something? It's bordering on painful.

Significantly less painful and smelly is the record by Mocean Worker entitled "Enter The MoWo!". We think clips are available on their site and it's definitely available on iTunes.

So, you'd better go get lubed up because tomorrow is Thursday and you know what that means....Wait. Today's hump day. Nevermind. Now the mystique is gone. Do with today what you will.

We'll be sitting by the pool, drinking something made especially for those of us 21 or older, and shooting craps. We've got a permit for the gun and everything. Watch out crap and say hello to mister revolver. media5

What is that smell? Someone please open a window.

Jumping in with both feet, starting without hesitation, getting right to it, being spot on. These are all actions that we feel like delaying today. We're not super motivated. Maybe we should read more self help books. Maybe we'll just help ourselves and then write a book about it. The book will be called "4 Things to Do When You're Bored". Those 4 things are: Counting Backwards, Naming the original cast of "Eight Is Enough", converting to Buddhism, and running for elected office. Damn. Now one of you is going to steal our book idea and make millions. It's theft but at least it's proactive.

Today's special sound comes to us from The New Amsterdams and their record "Worse For The Wear". Check, check, check it out. We're so old school. We represent the streets. The band just mentioned isn't down with the click but it's a great record nonetheless.

Now's a good a time as any to go shave our bodies. That's a great idea. We're going to make t-shirts that say things like "I'm Too Hot For Hair" and "I Don't Have Any Hair On My Body. Wanna Date?". If one of you steals that idea, we're going to throw down. Save the drama for your mama. media5

Would you like some candy?

Monday. In case you weren't aware: it's Monday. All day long. And most of the night. Until about 12. Then it's Tuesday. Til Tuesday. Speaking of, if you haven't, you should check out Aimee Mann's album "Lost in Space". It's truly worthy of all the hype it received in 2002 when it came out.

So, we're going to try something new today. We'd like to hear from you about your experience at Siren Festival this past weekend. Even if you didn't go, you should send us a story anyway. Even if your story has absolutely nothing to do with Siren Fest. There are two reasons for this new and unusual request. The first is because a few of us went and it was so damn crowed that we only caught a portion of one set and we spent the rest of the day drinking who knows what from tall plastic glasses and filling ourselves silly with hot dogs. Yum, mustard. The second is because we like your smile. We love your ways. Each and everyday. Wait. Billy Ocean? Is that you? Nope. False alarm. media5

You've been served. Enjoy. Would you like some ketchup?

Yippie day. Happy day. We'd like to begin with an apology to bran muffins. They did nothing wrong and we accosted them and made them feel unloved yesterday. Yup, we're apologizing to muffins. It's come to this. Maybe we should discontinue eating breakfast foods altogether and retain our regimen of smoking our breakfast. Shhh. Is someone at the door? Quick. Turn the lights off.

Ok, they're gone so it's time for the Top 5:

1. Sigur Ros - Ágætis Byrjun (One of the most beautiful albums ever recorded.)
2. South - With The Tides (Also, very pretty.)
3. Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans (Pretty in an indie way.)
4. The Jayhawks - Rainy Day Music (Rhinestone pretty.)
5. The Prom - Under The Same Stars (We're not good with themes. Or consistency for that matter. This is a record that was released by Barsuk a few years ago. It flew under the radar but it's worth picking up.)

If the weather holds, we're all going to Siren Fest. this weekend and you should too. It's at Coney Island. We're excited about drinking lots of beer and strapping ourselves into the Puke Master 3000 after drinking said beer. We like rides. Even the train ride there has, in the past, proven to be very exciting. Come play and drink and be merry. We want to be Steve. In order to avoid confusion however, we're going to go by our real names: Claud 1-5. Damn. Now they know who we are. Or do you? media5

Quick. Go get a paper towel.

Fact: David Bowie is an alien. And to help prove this fact, he released "Earthling". If you haven't hung with Bowie since "Fame" now is your chance to revisit him and his alien prowess. Although he's an extraterrestrial, he seems to have been going through a bit of a rough spell as of late. Between getting hit in the eye with a lolly (that's how they say lollypop across the pond) and the emergency heart surgery, this planet's atmosphere is taking it's toll on him. He's like 60 something in human years so that means he's 673 on his home planet. This has all gone on long enough.

We found an amazing picture of the queen meeting with Bob the Builder. We'll try to get it up (Ha ha. They said "get it up") as soon as possible. We wonder what they conversed about? Does the queen like to build? Does she have a tool belt (Ha ha. They said "tool belt")?

Stop it alter-ego.

We like Eggos. Kellogg's has an amazing selection of frozen breakfast foods. Many of them can be placed in a toaster. Damn toaster. They even makes ones with goop in the middle. Stupid bran muffins. Take that. You've got a long way to go to catch up w/ the greatness of the almighty Eggo. The day they stop making Eggos is the day we stop loving the world. Goop. Yummy goop. Say "goop" three times fast. Say it faster. Say it with a mouthful of Eggos. Clean up after yourself. You've made a mess. media5

The colors are too bright. Our eyes have become socketless.

Straying from the course a bit this morning with this next selection. It comes to us from a guitarist by the name of Joe Morris. It's an album that was put out by Knitting Factory Records and it's called "Joe Morris Quartet at the Old Office". If you're not familiar with the downtown New York avant-garde jazz scene, this is a nice little step in that direction. It may freak you out. If it freaks you out, it's cool. You my be a square. Don't be alarmed. There are lots of "squares" in the world. The kid that wouldn't drink with you in high school: square. Your uncle Frank: square and not very good with children. Squares are people too. They just have a low tolerance for the "out of time" and the "out of tune". They'll come around.

We are so sleepy today. Between the international spying and the bouts with a toaster that doesn't know when to stop toasting, we're exhausted. Damn toaster. They can make a computer that can talk to you but they still can't make a toaster worth a damn. That's two "damns" in one paragraph. We're racy. We push the envelope. An envelope full of money. And we pushed it over to the cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond for a toaster that still doesn't toast worth a damn. Will you please join us in starting our very own toaster revolution? "WE'RE HERE, WE'RE WHOLE GRAIN, GET USE TO IT." MEDIA5

****Breathing Underwater****

Did you hear the one about the guy and his bike? Neither did we. If you hear it, can you fill us in? Our joke catalog is about as promising as a loose tiger in a kindergarten class during nap time. Stretch. It feels nice.

Yippie. New bands. We love new bands. Well, they're really used bands because once you've heard them they've already been heard. That was the dumbest attempt at a philosophical statement we've ever been involved in. So, when the time feels right, please check out Paddy Casey. Any Damien Rice fan, we feel, will be pleasantly pleased. Pleasantly pleased? That doesn't make any sense. Nor does the world. Go figure. Hell, go fish.

We're thinking about sponsoring a racing boat. Those things go really fast. And when they crash, whoa nelly. It's just water and motors and helmets. Watch out. Ramp. media5

It can only get worse...

So if y'all haven't seen the news about Tom Waits' new record, it contains a rather startling fact: There is no piano on the entire record. Yup. It makes us about as comfortable as flying with a blind pilot but we'll just have to wait and see we guess. Horrifically bad pun. In the meantime, check out his release from a few years back entitled "Mule Variations". It contains loads of piano and a song about a Filipino hog. Yum.

We'll be introducing another contest very shortly. There won't be any prizes or giveaways but it will be a fun way to test your skills. We're not sure what skills we'll be testing exactly but it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. All that matters is....

Listen, we don't know what you like. We don't know what kind of sick things you do in your spare time. Maybe you don't even like music. Maybe you only enjoy torture or your collection of Pound Puppies.

What happened to the Pound Puppies that didn't get purchased?

They went to the farm.

They always wind up at the farm.

Along w/ our cat and our goldfish and our lizard. It's a big farm. It's off 95. Near the Connecticut border. The animals play and run around. Well, the Pound Puppies don't play or run around. We gave them the power of immortality, we didn't give them the ability to run. What do you want from us? You people are crazy. Stop staring. media5

&&&&&_______))))))))^^^^^^^$$U

Late. Once again. We were out partying last night in the name of youth voters and other various causes. It was brilliant. Thanks to all those that came out. We shook it like a salt shaker. A big salt shaker. Like the one that has pepper on the opposite end. One that you can get your entire hand around. Shook it. Consider it shaken.

Served shaken not stirred, it's time for the Top 5:
1. Hem - Rabbit Songs (Truly a beautiful record. Find it soon and your life will change.)
2. Calexico - Even My Sure Things Fall Through (Groove on.)
3. Wayne - Music On Plastic (A completely forgotten record. It happens. That doesn't mean it isn't really good.)
4. Fruit Bats - Mouthfuls (We love lo-fi music about long distant bus travel.)
5. Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman (Play "Fast Car" really loud and remember how much you love that song.)

We're sleep deprived and we smell funny but what the hell: it's Friday. It's like a friend once told us: "You only get hung-over when you stop drinking". He died of liver failure but his legacy lives on. Play on playa. media5

It's Laundry Day!!!!

My, my. Look at the time. Wait. Don't bother. Time is irrelevant. As irrelevant as pants on a porn star.

Today's sonic boom is Calexico and their album "Even My Sure Things Fall Through". Please listen and love. They'll thank you. Maybe not in the liner notes of their next record, but in their hearts, they'll thank you.

We don't often plug shows but cancel whatever it was that you were thinking about doing tonight, tell your friends to do the same, and head out to Williamsburg for what will arguably be the coolest FREE show in the name of Amendment XIX ever to take place in your favorite borough.

Democracy is Like Sex featuring Pete Rock * Kurtis Blow * Claudia Acuna * Groove Collective * Immortal Technique and more!!!!!!!

The show is at Volume (99 N. 13th bet. Berry & Wythe). To get there, take the L to the Bedford Ave. stop, walk west on N. 7th to Berry and take a right; walk up to N.13th and take a left; Volume is located one block down on the right.

The show starts at 8pm and continues jumping until 2am.

And it's free (but you can make a donation to support the cause).


Here's what Time Out NY had to say:

"Offered in part as a low-cost alternative to the Concerts for Kerry show, this benefit (for Indyvoter.org and others)also features a significantly, shall we say, hipper, brand of music. (No in-fighting for the loyal opposition, though, please - we're all in this mess together.) Plus we're told models will be at this one."

Yeah, models. Hot models. Wearing pants. media5

(((Uncle Fred's Sweet Tooth)))

So the vacation went a bit longer than expected. Sorry about that. Now that we've sewn our fingers back on and have been released on bail, we're ready to get back to what we do best...Ok, not sure what that is but we're going to do it anyway.

We've got to tell you about the new Citizen Cope record entitled "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings". It's a great follow-up record but the release date keeps getting kicked back. It should be out in the fall so keep your eyes open for it.

Yup, short and sweet. Like mini-éclairs. We're not very good for your diet but we taste delicious. Like mini-éclairs. Yum. Yum. Cream filling. media5

----Happy Birthday. You're getting old. Ha. Ha.---- Wait. That wasn't a very nice thing to say. Now you go over there and say you're sorry.

Who knew monkeys could be this much fun? And equally delicious...Check out the comments on yesterday's post.

Ok, it's far too hot to type for very much today. It's hotter than a porn shoot at a Turkish prison in the city. Whoa Nelly, that's hot.

We must quickly mention that The Frames are doing a free show at the South Street Seaport tonight @ 6pm. They are one of Ireland's finest exports so please go check them out if you get a chance.

Without further ado and with even less grace, here's this week's Top Five:

1. The Killers - Hot Fuss (Ok. We know. This band is all the rage right now and we don't want to seem like we're just jumping on the bandwagon. Nope. We're driving the damn thing. This record is superb. All aboard.)
2. Kings of Convenience - Riot On An Empty Street (We got an advance. It comes out on July 27th. It is beautiful.)
3. Rilo Kiley - The Execution Of All Things (They have a new record on the way. All indications are that it will be good. Like homemade soup.)
4. Snow Patrol - Final Straw (Love Scotland. This band helps that cause.)
5. Radiohead - OK Computer (Stop us if you've heard this one before...)

So kids, have a wonderful holiday if you're in the states. If not, have a wonderful weekend. We'll be back on Tuesday or something like that. Assuming, of course, that we don't blow our fingers off with firecrackers. Call 911 and get some ice. media5

///Space Monkey Super Star\\\

So...For the first time, we missed a day. We're really sorry. We'd tell you that it will never happen again but that would be dishonest. We don't want to be dishonest. A cherry tree would fall on our heads. Is that how the story goes? We were never very good with moral lessons.

Today's hot pick is an oldie but a goodie. It comes to us from the late, great Frank Zappa and his record entitled "Civilization Phase III". It's one of our favorite works. The premise of the record is about a bunch of people that live in a piano. It's out there but the compositions are awe-inspiring. When aliens take over the planet in a few more years, when every last human is gone, they'll find this record and they'll rejoice in a collective sigh of "What the Hell?" They'll probably also determine that there was intelligent life here after all. But we'll all be dead so their findings will be moot.

Tomorrow is the new top 5. We can't wait to share it with you. Hell, we can't wait to see what it's going to consist of. We haven't written it yet so we don't know what it will be. Anything could happen between now and tomorrow. Like that alien thing mentioned earlier. Dude, if aliens show up tomorrow we are going to make a career out of appearing on daytime talk shows explaining how we predicted it. You heard it here first. You've been warned. Live long and prosper. media5

() It was.... It was.... ()

Let's get right to it shall we? The Screaming Jets. Oh yeah. Their 1991 release called "All for One" contains the song "Better" for which they had an incredible video. Ok, "incredible" might be a touch too strong but it was fun nonetheless. The Australian lead singer, Dave Gleeson, was rocking a Jerry Curl that would have made Eriq La Salle's character, Darryl Jenks, in Coming to America jealous. Good night. If memory serves us correct, he was wielding a sword as well. And something was burning. Video's of that era always had something on fire. Just ask Michael Jackson...

We've recently discovered Post-It notes. How did we ever live without them before? We'll tell you how: We wrote everything on our hands. Yup. And two of us went blind from ink poisoning. It's a helluva way to lose your sight but the benefits are nice. If only we'd seen it coming. media5

Sunglasses ++

It's easy to put on a pair of sunglasses and tell people that you're working with the secret service and that they please leave the premises. The hard part is getting them to actually do what you say. We tried this when there was a really long line at the local Wendy's. The people standing in line didn't seem to believe us. After this short-lived sociology experiment we came to the following conclusion: people will sacrifice national security for a Frosty. We don't blame them. Frosty's frigging rule.

Time for a curve ball. We haven't thrown one in a long time so here it is: A Decade of Steely Dan. Yup it's not indie and it's rather far from hip but it is chalk full of 70's FM radio goodness. Trust us. We wouldn't lie to you. Well, we might but it would probably be unintentional.

Yeah, we should be back on track tomorrow but maybe not. Trains scare us. We once used the restroom on the Eurostar between London and Paris. We came to the general consensus that is was the fastest we had ever traveled while using the bathroom. Planes don't count. They never do. Ok, one last musical blast. The Replacements' tune "Waitress in the Sky" from the album Tim. Crank it out and think about modes of transportation w/ on-board restrooms. Is this potty humor? Nope. It can't be. It's not funny. Don't forget to wash your hands. media5

If we could buy the world a Coke...

Late again. We were at the Keane show last night at the Knitting Factory. What a fantastic show. It was packed tighter than 50 Cent's entourage. If you missed it, be sure to check them out when they roll through your town. Unless you live in a place in your mind. It's a safe and fun place to live. If that's the case then the bands you like play there all the time. So what if Frankie Goes to Hollywood wouldn't reunite for VH1? They've reunited for you and they're rocking you out every night. Relax.

Like a paper cut that won't stop stinging, it time for the Top 5...

1. Matt Pond PA - Emblems (Opened for Keane last night. Smashing record and brilliant live set.)
2. Jawbox - Grippe (Resolve. For the love of god, resolve.)
3. Rachael Yamagata - Happenstance (If Fiona's record never sees the light of day, this will help ease the pain.)
4. Sneaker Pimps - Bloodsport (It's an older release and it came out after the female singer left and their label kinda fizzled. Snatch it up if you can.)
5. The Long Winters - The Worst You Can Do Is Harm (This band has one of the greatest senses of humor of any band around.)

Ok, short and sweet. Like sugar cookies and those mini tootsie rolls that you get when you use the drive-thru window at the bank. Everybody be cool, this is a stick-up. media5

Like licking a frozen mailbox...

Ok, so while this next bit of information may not be as thought provoking as why Walter Mondale would be carrying around a Victoria's Secret shopping bag, it's interesting nonetheless. Last night, in a rather Time-Life books fashion, we collectively bit our tongues at the same time. The pain is still there and it won't stop throbbing. We all agree that it hurts. The strangest thing about it is that it happened while we were eating ice cream. If you too chew your ice cream, you're not alone.

Bands, bands, bands. Well, today's simple black dress of sound comes to us in the form of Bebel Gilberto. Her new self-titled record is a sure-fire way to make you do something tropical. Like wear a Hawaiian shirt or blow into a conk shell or challenge a sumo wrestler. Do what you like. You'll always have a place to call home.

We don't judge you. We may laugh and point but we won't judge. Put that down before you lose and eye. media5

Drop, Drop, Drop

If it weren't for double-sided tape, we don't know what we'd do. It may be one of the single greatest inventions of our time. That and it's cousin electrical tape. It doesn't take a lot to impress us.

We've found ourselves listening to The Wrens a great deal as of late. This NJ band has been getting mad love by KEXP and they played a show at the Bowery Ballroom here in the city this past Saturday. Their record "The Meadowlands" comes highly recommended.

We're going to start our own cult. Everyone else is doing it so we want to jump on board as well. In order to join our cult you need 2 essential things: 1. A toothbrush and 2. A love for the road. Listen, in our cult, we don't want you to cut anything off of your body or sacrifice your eyes in a fire ceremony to prove your devotion to Omar Epps. We just want you to have good oral hygiene and a AAA membership. You never know when you might break down on the side of the road late at night. Better to be safe than sorry. media5

We're not very good with the milking of cows

Good morning everybody. What a wonderful morning it is. Depending on where you are, of course. If you're in Northern Canada well, it's probably cold. Not that cold is bad. You know what... we're not good with wishing people a good morning. Maybe you should wait to read this until the afternoon. We're much better with afternoons. Much less pressure. Too much hinges on the morning. It's sad really.

We must again give "mad ups" to Buzz. He found the song in question in yesterday's post. For those of you who might not have seen the posting, the song was "Piece by Piece". White-hot silly music video selection indeed. Kittens. Human hearts.

Today's super selection is a band called Rialto. The first cut on their album "Night On Earth" entitled "London Crawling" is not to be missed.

In a last bit of blog news, we've started adding links to bands and other various junky and amusing jargon. We're going through all of the old posts and updating them so if there is a post you've missed.... Wait... You missed one? We don't recall receiving a note from your doctor nor did we get a tardy slip from your mom. You have detention. Ever cleaning the erasers. media5

The Motherload

The Tubes. The frigging Tubes. While we were sitting about on a fine Sunday afternoon, zoning out, eating pickles straight from the jar, we ran head-on into this precious little troupe. Oh god. It's so unreal. Or surreal. We wish we were kidding when we say that, during their video for this song that we can't remember the name of or find on the web anywhere but it's on the record "Love Bomb", there were kittens walking around on a picture of a human heart beating during what appeared to be a surgery. Really wish we were kidding. If there is any way possible for y'all to see the video for that song, then please view with caution. We totally warned you. When we find the video you can bet your sweet tail that we'll post a link here. Actually, this blog could possibly become a shrine to this video. It encompasses everything that we stand for. In The Tubes we trust. If anyone out there finds a link to the video we were talking about, please pass it along.

This blog is going to be short today. Not that short is bad. Short blogs need love too. Actually, the blog says it doesn't like to be called short. It prefers "content challenged". PC for you and we...media5

know when to hold 'em

So tonight we’re making our network television debut on Access Hollywood. Just kidding. We’ll probably be on there soon though. We have people that will call their people. There is a story here. We can feel it. Maybe that’s just something we spilled on the floor and forgot to clean up that we’re feeling. Maybe it’s more than a feeling. It’s more like a rash. It’s itchy.

Open wide, it’s time for the Top 5…

1.Budapest - Too Blind to Hear (UK Pop Rock. You know the drill...)
2.Devendra Banhart - Rejoicing In The Hands (Low-fi, folky, joyous.)
3.Division Of Laura Lee - Das Not Compute (We wish we were Swedish. Because not only would we have better spatial relations and cooler haircuts but we would rock out garage style.)
4.PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her (Polly Jean. You're a queen. And sometimes mean.
But we love you.)
5.Woke Up Falling - Dividing Blue From Blue (This record never got the push it deserved but it's a solid little number nonetheless.)

Our memory comes and goes but did we ever mention Longpigs? If not, please check them out. Like many bands that find their way to being mentioned here, these guys are no longer together. Their debut album “The Sun Is Often Out” is a must have. It’s tough to find but well worth the investigation.

Thanks for your participation. A home-version of this game will be made available soon. It’s going to have explosions and hot chicks. Baby chickens. Yummy, yummy baby chickens. Like veal with feathers. Fluff the pillow. media5

[cables and wires]

In a subtle and rather unceremonious tribute to a friend overseas, today’s band is Sterototal. When you hear them today, scream really loud. Particularly the song “du und dein automobil” Not sure if it’s a song for or against cars. Sounds like they’re for cars. Our understanding of the German language is a touch off…as is our sense of smell. We are learning French however. The language of love. You may have thought that the language of love was Vietnamese but you’re wrong. We can understand your confusion.

We love going to the beach. If you’re not already planning on it, you should certainly make the trek out to Coney Island for Siren Festival this year. It’s on July 17th and the bands are out of this world. You can go to the beach and see a fine lineup. You can also ride the rides. We like riding rides.

What happens if your fire escape catches on fire? Stop, drop and roll. media5

Pessimistic optimism

Like a pilot’s insatiable longing for airport scotch, we’re back. Huh? Good morning. It’s late but early. It’s all relative. Uncle Frank. We do our best thinking a night. After a hot shower and a hint of lavender oil. Soft lighting and low music. It was around this time nearly 7 months ago on a night not unlike tonight that we discovered alternative uses for bacon grease. With gas prices so high, we’ll try anything once.

John Vanderslice probably doesn’t worry much about the cost of gasoline. He’s more concerned with touring and making great records. Records such as his latest, “Cellar Door” for instance. He’ll be at N.6th in Brooklyn on 6.20.04 w/ Pedro The Lion. Both great acts, both environmentally conscience we would assume. That’s a nice thing to assume about someone. We hope they’re not driving across the country throwing fast food wrappers out the window. They don’t seem like the type of folks to do such a thing.

Who are we kidding? Our sense of smell has almost completely disappeared. We haven’t showered in days. Going to do that now. media5

The Juice

Yup. We're late. About 2 weeks. I think we're pregnant. This is going to get interesting. We worry about the fate of our offspring. It will probably have a large head and an obsession with all things that make noise. Much like this poor thing's future, this entry is going nowhere fast.

Speaking of the ocean, today's musical goo is Death Cab for Cutie. Their most recent offering is "Transatlanticism". Shear brilliance. And if you can find it on the web (not that we condone such activity...) you should also seek out Ben Gibbard's (singer of above mentioned band...) cover of Michael Jackson's "Thriller". And if you like that, you should also seek out "Against All Odds", The Postal Service's cover of the Phil Collins classic. Gentle Ben is the singer for that band as well. He gets around. Runaround Sue.

Speaking of being sued, we haven't yet. Hooray. Today we're celebrating not being sued. Wait we've just been handed a note...Contacting Johnny Cochrane.
media5

Wooden Tongue

While we were hanging out, working on our new cheering routine, we quickly realized that what we were doing was just plain wrong. We were only masking our deepest fears in open-ended, high school-esque cheering routines because we were in total denial until just that very moment that we once had a sixth member. The poor soul is probably somewhere outside of Topeka in a convention center signing autographs telling people that we were nice people but we had irreconcilable differences and we amicably parted ways. Is this Creed or are we dreaming? Whoa. Ouch.

Couple of new things on the musical horizon that we want to throw your way so we’ll take a moment and do that now. Nikka Costa and Emiliana Torrini each have new records on the way. Any Joss Stone and Bjork fans, respectively, will dig these two artists immensely. Also, the new Kings of Convenience record entitled “Riot on an Empty Street” will be out here on July 27th. Jump on that.

We’re petitioning to have the ban on electric pogo sticks lifted. Said ban has been in place since the 1970’s and it’s time to overthrow and reverse the outdated mentality that these particular pogo sticks are still a danger. We want freedom now. You can’t oppress us forever. We will fight on. Ouch. We scrapped our knee. Needing Bactine. media5

Eating Paste

Ah, it’s morning. The smell of coffee. The open air. Departing airplanes. Smelling salts. The rodeo. Papa was a rodeo. If you haven’t, you must check out the Magnetic Fields triple shot entitled “69 Love Songs”. It’s a precocious little collection about all things love.

If Copernicus was wrong, we don’t want to be right baby. Actually, he gave himself that name as it was derived from the Latin meaning of his original name: Bono. My how the tides turn so quickly.

Don’t run with scisors. Not because you could get hurt but because they don’t like to move about too quickly. They like to take it slow. Really slow.

Like a snowball fight in July, it’s time once again for this week’s Top 5:

1. Seafood – “As The Cry Flows” (Marvelous melancholy embraces simple yet poignant tidal waves of sheer sonic joy. Yeah, that made sense. It’s an import so if you only buy one record this week, get this one.)
2. The Veils – “The Runaway Found” (We love records that are indescribable. This is one of those records. If you buy two records this week, definitely make this the other one.)
3. Brad – “Interiors” (We’re overjoyed that the vocalist of this band is resurfacing again. They used one of his solo tunes when Adriana got whacked. We feel like bad-asses when we say “whacked”. Stone Gossard was also in this band. Flashback: 1997. If you get three records, it’s not going to kill you…)
4. Damien Rice – “O” (Collectively, we’ve seen this Irish touring machine nearly 20 times. You know what? Buy this record as well. It’s the economy, sweetheart.)
5. Sparklehorse – “It’s a Wonderful Life” (Lyrical imagery at it’s finest. If you’ve bought this many records this week, you might as well just throw this one in the pile as well. You’ll go hungry but you’ll thank us for it later.)

Never have we seen such a beautiful day. However, you can’t go out and enjoy it now because you’re broke. Sorry about that. Just dust off the copy of Wayne’s World you got at McDonald’s for $3 with the purchase of a happy meal and ignore the day outside from afar. Slowly converting to DVD. media5.

This fan is only making things warmer.

It has finally happened, we have “writer’s block”. Yup. Someone brought in a batch of Lego’s and we’ve decided to make words and poetry out of them. Maybe we’ll just build a castle or a racecar or a new refrigerator. Not sure if you picked up on it or not but racecar spelled backwards is still racecar. We smell a Nobel Prize in our future.

If we may make a suggestion, we hope you’ll aurally fixate yourself on Starsailor’s first LP. We like them. It feels good to be liked. It also feels good to pour warm honey on your feet. It’s the cleanup that detracts from the act. It usually is.

Uncharted territory. Is there any left on the planet other than behind your stove? Don’t forget to change the battery in your fire alarm and set your clocks back. That way, you won’t burn and you’ll be early. Safety first. media5

Hold on....Hold on...We're going to wait to click on the orange question mark until after we've posted this blog.

We here at media5 most certainly do not condone the ownership of people. Especially football players. We simply can not help but conjure up images of some former Heisman trophy recipient, locked in a basement, veiled in a "gimp" mask and forced to call out plays that simply won't move the offense down the field of scrimmage. If by chance, you've found yourself in this particular situation, we ask that you motor yourself and you’re your captive over to the nearest Wal-Mart and release this poor fellow.

And what makes you so sure of your imaginary victory over our poor honor student? How do you know that our scholar doesn't have a pituitary gland disorder that makes him 8 feet tall? Sure he's a bit uncoordinated but his stamina will certainly factor in after the first round or two. Someone, including us, needs a hug. And a teddy bear.

So we got all dolled up and went out and bought our first pre-owned space ship today. Now Lance Bass can take a ride with us to the moon. It’s only going to be a day trip because we had no idea it was going to take this much gas. It’s actually rocket fuel but let’s not get technical. We love technical. We love you. Maybe we don’t tell you that enough but we do. Big hug.

Ok, we’ve got a joke for you…How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Wait, that wasn’t the joke… Hold on. Let us think for a second. Oh never mind. The moment is gone. It would have been funny if someone else had told it correctly.

Every road leads us back to Neil Halstead. He’s the singer for Mojave 3 but his solo work is special. “Sleeping on Roads” is that solo record. Brilliant stuff.

We’re kinda toying with the idea of turning this into an mp3 blog where we’ll post a song of the day as well as gossip about other records and whatnot. It may happen. It may not. We’re about as decisive as an oil slick. You do the math. We haven’t done math since the fall of the Berlin Wall. Wait, it might have even been before that. Communism confuses us. As do the songs played over the ice cream truck loud speaker. It’s dripping. media5

Counting is FUN!

“We’d rather be golfing”. Mini-golfing. If we owned a mini-golf course, we’d totally sell those license plate covers. Shouldn’t you be wearing a helmet instead of worrying that deeply about the exterior rims of your license plate? It’s a good thing we don’t drive all the time because we’d go off the road thinking about stuff like this. And we’d probably be listening to the music too loudly. Yup, loudly listening to The Delays as the car crashes all over the place. But the sacred and pompously numeral-bearing license plate would be tippy top. Your honor student may, one day, save your license plate’s life. Be proud and also know that The Delays are playing the Mercury Lounge in NYC in July.

While on the topic of exploding, Explosions In The Sky is an insanely intense troupe. Their mine-laden compositions smell like a musical gas fire and it’s headin’ for the shed. New Top Five in 259,000 seconds. Start counting. media5

String Cheese Sweater

Grenada. Buzz is now the proud owner of Grenada. Please Buzz, you can do what you will with this country but please don’t change the color of the flag. Wait, owner is kinda strong. Divine Leader. Yeah, Divine Leader is a better title. We contacted the UN and the deed is in the mail. Congratulations. There is only one downside to your illustrious winnings however: Mr. Roper is your Secretary of State. Good Ship Lollipop indeed.

Clowns: The everlasting debate. Some people think they’re creepy. Some think they are only in our lives to juggle for us. Do you know the history of juggling? Nope. Neither do we. As far as written history about juggling is concerned, it’s right up there with Beowulf. Scott Beowulf.

Is the “3-second rule” worth it? Really. If no one’s around, do you count to yourself? If you’re an openly schizophrenic body builder from Jersey City, NJ, you’re excused from this exercise. We’ve seen your work. Rarely does the world ever get you down or tell you what to do. You’re your own boss. You deserve it. We’ll give you one moment in time. Cut to the film montage.

Wow. Music. That’s what we’re here for. Well, that and to fend off evil-doers. Welcome back. An oldie but a goodie is none other than Life Without Buildings. Their record was called “Any Other City” and it’s a tough record to find but well worth it. Spin it and see. Sadly, they broke up.

Wait, we actually live in a world where music no longer has to spin… Since we started recording music and sound, it has spun. Now, it’s mp3s and computerized audio files. Wait do mp3s spin? Field trip. media5

Homemade Fudge

Well if we’re not a flea market that only sells body parts… Mr. Lunchables has joined our fray of tainted yet quality banter and has imparted a great deal of useful knowledge and wisdom on us, we might add. Welcome you mighty sultan of swing. If you, our impartial reader, don’t have a clue what we’re spouting about, please check yesterday’s comment. Two quick questions: Why did the Andes Mint that was included with almost every Lunchable always taste like pseudo-plastic sandwich meat? And why did we, as a society, never question this until now? Moving sideways…

Ok. Lightning Prize Round. If you can, right now, off the top of your head, sing the 2nd and 3rd verse of the “Three’s Company” theme song, you win a small country of your choice. We’re not kidding. A small country of your choice. Take your pick. E-mail us.

Damn, it’s incredibly difficult for us to concentrate on writing this when the doorbell is ringing. They just keep ringing and ringing… Cool, food’s here.

It was buzzing. Humming. Hum. “You’d Prefer an Astronaut”. At some point you should seriously either revisit it or seek out that album.

Wowser. Welcome to ADDT. Attention Deficit Disorder Theater. It’s like dinner theater only you keep losing your fork and forgetting what you ordered to eat. Let’s go ride bikes. My house is red. Love puppies.

Holy high wattage light bulbs, Batman. It’s time for this week’s Top 5:

1. Keane - Hopes & Fears (We’ve been waiting for this one for a long time. They're playing the Knitting Factory in June. They sound pretty.)
2. The Delays - Faded Seaside Glamour (Ok. It's become a strange obsession of ours: UK pop/rock bands w/ singers that sing entirely too high. Regardless of our odd pension for such phenomena, this record is superfly. Any band that kicks off a record with backing steel drums is more than just ok in our book.)
3. Juana Molina - Tres Cosas (We don't have a friggin' clue what she's talking about but it sounds wonderful. We sometimes imagine that she's singing about being alone in outer space or trees. It goes back and forth.)
4. Journey - Journey's Greatest Hits (Wheel in the sky keep turning indeed. You can almost smell the AquaNet.)
5. Kings Of Convenience - Quiet Is The New Loud (So what if it's 3am and she's coming over for coffee to talk about a love that could have been? It doesn't matter. Write a song about it.)

Quick, what’s your blood pressure? That’s something you should always know off the top of your head. Our new ThighMaster Gold (yeah, it’s a whole new era in thigh toning) helped lower our blood pressure and we have a slammin’ new backside. Collectively, of course.

Thank you Suzanne Summers. You changed our lives.

Three plus tandem. Do a wheelie. media5

Fashion and photocopying

Topical. Hot Topical. What a great idea! A ‘Hot Topic’ clothing store for people like Tim Russert. Gothed-Out News Anchors. News is a dish best served cold. Or was that revenge? Whatever.

We’ll continue the tradition of providing you with the finest quality hops and barley and deliver this frosty beverage of sound…Buffseeds. Check out their “Sparkle Me” EP. They played a great show at Piano’s in NYC back in October 2003. We’re not sure what they’re up to now. The Audio Bullys record is another great summertime scorcher.

We all held our breath to see who could hold it the longest but we’re not sure who won the contest because we all passed out. Commitment ladies and gentlemen, is the key to success. So is the ability to restrain yourself from photocopying your own buttocks with the office copier during the holiday party or at any other time during the year for that matter. No one needs to see that. Kiss on the cheek. media5

The Art of Glass Eating

Be mindful of your surroundings because nothing slows you down like dog poop and dead Walkman batteries. We wonder if the Walkmen dig Lewis Hine’s other photography work? Probably. They’re on top of it.

It’s really hard to imagine what some things taste like. Do you ever look at something and wonder what it tastes like? Windex. Perfect example.

Today is Clothing Optional in Your Own Home Day and our neighbor is clearly exercising the “optional” clause. Think happy thoughts. Consult a physician. Continue to think happy thoughts. Poor Rich Ones were a great band. “Happy, Happy, Happy”

We’ve been thinking about conducting a poll. Are you in favor or opposed? There that was easy. media5

Joy of golfing

Wheat grass tastes like lawn shavings and if anyone tells you different, they’re probably really skinny and have great skin. Life is about…Yeah, we’re not going to change our name to the Philosophical 5. Don’t worry. Be Mogwai. Great Scots. Indeed.

We happened across this band called “Caught In The Headlights”. We think that they’re w/ Toddler Records. What if Deerhoof were Caught In The Headlights? Bad, bad. We won’t do that again. We promise and our fingers weren’t even crossed behind our backs. But luckly technology is such that you’ll never know if we’re pulling your leg or not. Wait…Pulling your leg? That doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s much easier to tell the truth than to get down on your knees and start yanking on someone’s trousers. John Peel loves you. W.W.J.P. do? media5

Staples don't tickle.

It doesn’t now nor will it ever count as exercise if you do warm-up laps around your kitchen in preparation to run down the stairs to pick up the delivery food. Not another word about it. Somethin’ so strong could carry us way. Som’n. Som’n.

We’ve received word that the sea lions are on a cruise in the Mediterranean. They know and love themselves for who they are and we’re happy for them.

So we checked out www.coolfer.com and the Feist record is no joke. Swing over there and check what they’re slinging but come back because we’re going to juggle buck-naked on the dance floor and we will, in fact, throw our hands in the air, wave ‘em like we just don’t care, and then hope no one called the police. Handclaps, more often than not, will either make or break a song. The Thrills used this age-old bit of studio magic to rock out on “One Horse Town”. Enough banter, it’s time for the Top 5:

1. Chocolate Genius – Black Music (“My Mom” is some of the saddest music in the world.)
2. The Twilight Singers - Blackberry Belle (We were a bit blinded by the fact that there were so many frat boys at this show. Totally, didn’t see it coming. Maybe they were just record executives.)
3. Leaves - Breathe (When you're tired of listening to "Parachutes" for the
1 millionth time...)
4. The Stills - Logic Will Break Your Heart (Arousal via air conditioning)
5. The Kicks – Hello Hong Kong (Little Rock, AR is the new hot spot for rock. Home, also, to the World’s Greatest Groupie. Saw it on Insomniac.)

Not to alarm you or anything but we heard that CDs are deteriorating over time. In order to prevent any further deteriorating, we’ve taken our collective CD collection and wrapped it in shrink-wrap. Listening to them now has proven to be somewhat of a quandary but in due time we’ll arrive at a fitting solution. Spank you very much. Until whenever, media5

Oops, we fell asleep.....

Straight up? Buzz rocks us like a mountain climb with no rope. Why? Because Buzz gave us, yes you and we, the remaining top 5 ceiling fans. If you didn't see the comment from yesterday, please go check it out in the comments section of yesterday's post. Yes Senator, we agree.

LED lights. When did these become so popular? They’re everywhere now. Everywhere.
Brother Ali is slammin’. Seriously. Some of nature’s little surprises are sweet. E=MC2. MC Hawkins is really funny and you should check out that site. Wow. Fun with two n’s. Do you know what else has two n’s?

We got “noon” and “Anna”.

Nanny doesn’t count because it has 3 n’s. Two only.

Have you ever been standing in your window when you’re naked and more than slightly out of shape? If so, we kindly ask that you close your curtains. We know you have them. Please use them. Some things you just can’t un-see. Top Five tomorrow. Until then, mentally peruse this gem: The guys in Lynard Skynard and .38 Special were mostly if not completely related to one another. Like either brothers or cousins or something. Music is often genetic. “Tuesday’s Gone”. Yup, ‘bout two days ago. media5

You wouldn't believe it if we sang it to you!

Dig – Believe. Do you remember that tune? No. Nobody did until KEXP played it the other day. Have you ever tried to smoke your own meats? It sounds fun but we’ll bet the payoff isn’t as rewarding as one would hope. We think our inner child is mildly retarded. It may help to explain what we’re about to say: EARLY TOP 5!!!

Top Five Ceiling Fans
1. Hamilton Bay
2. Hunter….
3.
4.
5.

Ok, we thought it would be a funny little bit but after 20 minutes of trying to scope out ceiling fans on the web, we came up with only two names. Regardless, the search was taking longer than a bad Grammy speech… And in that imaginary Grammy speech, the music was playing folks and we had to cut to commercial. Damn. We’re sweaty. Hammer time. media5

Fun with mammals

Whoa son, take a deep breath and relax. The worst is over. You may feel a sting and that sting is just your pride. Thanks for coming back. Today’s blog is brought to you buy the Number 2 and the National Association for Bi-curious Sea Lions. I’d tell you their slogan but it’s far too deep. Ok. Music. Focus. We just scored tickets to the Keane show at the Knitting Factory in New York on June 24th. If you haven’t heard their single “Somewhere Only We Know” skip over to iTunes or Napster and check it out. We think the record is out here on May 25th. Another great brit-pop band is Aqualung. Not sure when or if they’re coming back to the states… They’re brilliant. It’s summer. We’re looking forward to the seasonal joys that summer has to bring: TV re-runs, lightning storms, and ham dinners. Yeah, baking. Love cookies.

Pro wrestlers scare us but in a Jerry Lewis kind-of-way. Toodles. media5

Muffins...Warm Muffins

I just don’t get anime with the big eyes and the goofy monologues and the moral lessons disguised as bubble tea propaganda. Speaking of propaganda, welcome to the first installment of the brand-spankin’ new Media 5 blog. Do you spell blog w/ two “g’s” or one? Screw it. Who cares… Anyhoo, welcome to the blog where we’ll be talking music and other pop culture bits, all of which will be infused w/ stories about electrical tape, bi-curious sea lions and other witty repartee. We’d like to lay a few ground rules here at the outset if we may…Wait, we have an itch. Ok, much better. The first “rule” of the club is that while we hope to turn you on to new music (in the same way that those old Teddy Pendergrass records used to make your mom give it up to the football team) we don’t want to “out indie” anyone. By that we mean: We’ll try to keep our hipster six-shooter in its holster most of the time. From time to time we may come across a band that you, our beloved reader, might not be immediately familiar with and we hope that is the case more often than not but in the beginning, we hope to remind you about music that you may have forgotten. When is the last time you put on a Lemonheads record? If it’s longer than 2 months than we implore to go pop in “Come On Feel The Lemonheads” right now. And even though there was this one time that Juliana Hatfield was being mean to some music store employee and she tripped up the stairs on her way out of said store, that doesn’t make her a bad person. That made her a victim of karma. She was probably having a bad day anyway. Regardless, the record itself is tight and old but good and you’ll probably thank us for recommending it later (P.S. If you have a Super Nintendo, you may want to crank that bad boy up as well. Hell, do it while you’re listening to the record. “Two cats w/ one knapsack”, that’s what we always say.) The second bit of background/foreground about us is this: Damn, I forgot what I was saying. Oh, yeah. You may be wondering where the “5” in media5 came from well, there are 5 of us riding this pony and this is kind of what it sounds like when 5 of us are thinking/talking/making out. Are these “rules” for you or us? We’ll figure it out as we go along. Rules are made to be broken and then you should tease their hair. The last blurb is this: We thought it might be nifty as being that we’re “5” and all, we’re going to close each week with a Top 5 (fill in the blank here). Ok, the Top 5 is going to mainly, and will probably always be, music but we may, on the off week, decide to post a “Top 5 Names for Your Pet Penguin” so please don’t be alarmed. Listen, if you’ve even made it this far, we suspect you won’t be alarmed. So with that spewed, here is this week’s Top 5 Records:


1. Lemonheads – Come On Feel The Lemonheads (See above.)
2. Leona Naess - Leona Naess (Her first record was way cool. She opened for
Travis @ Irving Plaza the night of their first NY headlining show. The second album blew and not in a windy way. The third, this one, is mighty, mighty fine. She's like an indie Norah Jones on this one but in a drastically less “soccer-mom” way. A friend followed her to the train a few weeks back. He said she seemed nervous.)
3. Loretta Lynn - Van Lear Rose (Crack open the Pabst, sign the divorce papers, and get in a knife fight with your stepchild. Beautiful.)
4. Rosie Thomas - When We Were Small (The record is so depressing. No joke, she was actually doing a comic stand-up routine at the end of each performance so her audience didn’t rush home, grab something sharp, and run a warm bath…)
5. Whiskeytown - Strangers Almanac (It's hard to remember a time when Ryan
Adams wasn't making hash-fueled phone calls to music critics. It's really hard. This record helps.)

If this Top 5 doesn’t make any sense to you, than we’re on the right track. It didn’t to us either. Wow, lots of animal references. Friggin’ muppets. We wonder if the Swedish Chef could get a gig on the Food Network? Dweezil and Lisa did. We’re going to pitch that to them. Sweet. Well, we should sign off for now. We can smell smoke but this party is just getting started. Ouch, Kid n Play were never that cheesy.

And just to be clear, we may not get anime, but we love it. Ok, we don’t love it but we do find it amusing. We do LOVE bubble tea. xxoo media5